Personal Story: Baby Girl

We’re having a baby girl!

I’ve been considering whether or not to tell my story, and for a long time it just didn’t seem like the right time for me. And, I really wasn’t sure what I wanted to share and why.  

This is for anyone that needs support.  For those that had a difficult time owning their choices and decisions. For those who owned it.  For those that wanted to follow their intuition and didn’t.  For those who followed their intuition.  And for those who are curious.  

This is a sad story with a happy ending.  It could be triggering. 

In August of 2021 I was really tired and I could not figure out why.  I was getting sleep and eating well and in the middle of the day I would crash.  I’d push through because I don’t nap and the days became long.  I finally said out loud to my husband, Dan, “I think I’m pregnant”.  I looked at my cycle app and I was 7 days late! That was enough for me, I knew it, deep inside my soul, my life was about to change.  

Dan could barely contain himself as I took the test.  We waited the agonizing 3 minutes and flipped it over.  PREGNANT!  We hugged and cried and laughed.  We were shocked.  We weren’t really trying.  We were just so full of excitement we couldn’t wait to tell everyone!

We had the most incredible and joyous time telling our family and friends and those moments will be in my heart forever.  We thought of creative and fun ways to tell them and everyone was so shocked and overjoyed.  I even got to tell my Mom (lives in Missouri) and Sister (lives in Ireland) in person!  We told Dan’s parents, aunts and uncles in person, facetimed with my aunts and uncles and of course my Dad.  It was SO perfect.  

The night we saw Dan’s Mom in person I started bleeding and my heart was broken.  We, of course, went online to read.  It’s normal to bleed. It could be implantation.  There were a variety of other reasons and we ignored them.  But deep in my heart I knew she was already lost.  I cried and cried, between the excitement we shared.  We had a doctor's appointment and they said it could be normal but to call if anything changed.  

A few days later I had a glimpse at the pain I was about to endure.  One night I was up with abdominal pain, breathing through it all.  At one point, I told Dan I thought I was miscarrying.  In the morning I felt ok and went through the day.  Still bleeding.  I started to call the hospital and hung up because it was a 3 day weekend and I wasn’t going to get to talk to my dr.  I thought, how can I call and talk to a stranger when I’m crying like this?  So, I waited it out.  I was to be in Laramie (1.5 hrs from our small town home, and the nearest hospital) in 2 days.  

I made it to Laramie to set up for the art show I participated in.  I didn’t feel great, I told Dan, he told me to go to the hospital.  I said no.  Denial.  

We stay with close friends in their basement apartment when we visit Laramie.  My friend, Emily, who has 2 children, fed me dinner and let me cry.  My doctor is a friend of hers and she texted her about my bleeding.  I don’t even remember what that conversion was.  I fixed myself up with home remedies, ginger, lemon, I don’t know what else and put myself to bed.  I woke up at 5am with horrible pain.  I breathed through it for 2 hours hoping it would go away.  It did not.  I texted Dan and he called Emily down.  It was time to go to the hospital.  All I could do was concentrate and breathe.  I could not hold still and thought I would throw up at any moment.  We made it to the ER and they gave me pain killers and started the tests.  Meanwhile Dan started driving.  

They did a transvaginal ultrasound to check the pregnancy.  I had no idea what was really going on.  All I could do was be in my body and work through all of it.  While processing and denying my reality.  The ultrasound took forever, maybe it was only 10 minutes but it felt like 30.  The doctor came in and told me it was an ectopic pregnancy and that the OB would be in to talk to me.  Dan arrived and we cried together.  

2 options.  Drugs or Surgery.  I took the drugs.  That part was HARD.  I could barely keep it together, knowing that I had to terminate my pregnancy to save myself.  Our ER nurse was incredibly compassionate and I wish I knew who she was now.  We did it.  We stayed in Laramie and mourned.  They told me I should start feeling better very soon.  We went home the next morning.  I took the painkillers.  I did not feel better.  The next morning I called to see if I could get a refill because I just couldn't function. The nurse told me my doctor wants to see me.  I knew surgery was in my future.  

This trip over the mountain was rough.  I was back to breathing through the pain, it’s all I could focus on.  Dan had to pull over several times for nausea, bleeding, nausea again.  He drove as fast as he could and we didn’t speak. 

We arrived at the hospital and saw the doctor, she made her recommendation and within minutes I was being prepped for surgery.  I was calm, heartbroken, but calm.  I could barely walk, so I needed help with everything.  I was suddenly surrounded by doctors and nurses.  The team about to save me.  Before I knew it, I was unconscious, my right fallopian tube was removed along with the pregnancy,  and it was over.  

The recovery was HARD and PAINFUL.  I needed help with everything.  There was no getting comfortable.  I blocked out the reality for a while because I had to focus on my body.  Dan was incredible.  I’m not sure what happened with the intubation, and of course there was no explanation.  My throat was so sore I couldn’t swallow water without pain.  I couldn’t even nourish myself properly to aid in my recovery.  I couldn’t eat a meal for 6 days.  I was miserable inside and out.  I was technically postpartum.  I cried all the time.  The bright side is that I had the excuse of recovering from surgery to sit around and cry.  Most mamas don’t get that time.  It’s a miscarriage and back to work.  It’s the little things when something so traumatic happens to you.  

Why am I telling you this?  I’m not entirely sure.  But there are a few things that come to mind.

First off, I know that some people silently judged us for “telling too soon” that we were pregnant.  We started telling around 6 weeks.  Sometime in the past 10 years or so there has been a “rule” established that you should only tell you’re pregnant after 12 weeks.  The idea is that your risk of miscarriage is a lot lower.  So. Fucking. What?  I can share my good news with you but not my bad news?  You can celebrate with me but not mourn with me?  There are other reasons not to, I know…

“Rules” like this that become societal norms are something I think we need to consider more thoroughly. “That’s just the way things are.” and not really thinking about WHY and IF you even understand or agree with the idea, and just going along with it….OLD Paradigm. To be honest, I never thought about when people should or shouldn’t tell about pregnancy because I hadn’t experienced it. So, no shame if you haven’t either. But, we do tend to be quick to judge people because the mob (loud majority) thinks it’s “right” or “wrong”. Let’s think critically and decide for ourselves….OR….how about you don’t have to choose what’s right or wrong in general? Just let people do what they need to do for themselves.

I know, it’s a lot to process….stay with me….

For the record, we consciously shared our news knowing that if something did happen, we would need support.  I can’t imagine all of the sudden having to tell my family I’m going into a major surgery without them knowing I was even pregnant.  There were people that we hadn’t yet told and it was awful to tell from that perspective, plus I could barely function.

This is all extremely layered and I have a lot of personal feelings about how I was and wasn’t supported and I’m not sure if it’s relevant because everyone wants and needs different types of support.  I felt anywhere from extreme support, people checking in with me daily, to people just ignoring me that knew what had happened.  And still to this day have never said a word to me.  It’s painful.  And I get it, people don't know what to say.  We don’t know if people want to talk about it.  We don’t want to bring it up and make them cry…

And then I see the bigger issue here.  Why is crying bad? Why do we shy away from mourning? Why do run from these challenging moments? It’s all part of life. When did we all decide to just shut down and ignore life-changing events because it’s too hard to deal with?  

For me, acknowledging what happened to me ended up being really important to me.  It may not be important to everyone, I recognize that.  But now I know I won’t ignore someone in their time of hardship. 

I am someone that constantly does the internal work.  I’m always thinking about the lesson I am to learn or how I can show up better, for myself and for those around me.  I make a point to show up with love and compassion. I also acknowledge that everyone around me was just acting based off of what they thought I might want, need or not need. Or even what they think they would want or need.  But that notion didn’t really make it easier for me, even though I acknowledged it at that moment.  And, some people may have not wanted to acknowledge it to protect themselves.  Because they didn’t want to hear about it or deal with it.  And that is their own journey.  So maybe we can all self-reflect and ask ourselves that deeper why? 

As for our second, healthy pregnancy… we waited to tell.  I know, it’s complicated.  I was blocking all of it until I knew the pregnancy was normal.  It was hard to get excited because I was protecting myself from the previous nightmare experience.  We had the 1st ultrasound, baby in the uterus, check.  We still couldn’t believe it.  We had the 2nd, heard the heartbeat, check.  We still weren’t comfortable.  We got the DNA test and at 10.5 weeks they told us low risk and that it was a girl, check.  That was what did it for us.  We felt relieved and finally started to get excited!

Sharing the news has been fun, but people are still shaken from the last time. It’s hard.  That’s one reason we didn’t want to tell early this time, because people don’t want to get excited and then be disappointed.  But do you think mama wants that?!  It’s complicated.  Sometimes it feels like those special moments were stolen from us, it will never be the same and we can’t get back that fresh excitement.  I mourn those moments too.  

My conclusion.  Do what feels best for you and your partner.  There is no right or wrong way or time to share this news. And if someone says, “I told you you shouldn’t have told so early.” RUN FAR AWAY from that toxic energy.  If someone needs to be “right” about this, they need professional help.  

PLUS, when you first find out you are pregnant, especially the first time, it’s nearly impossible not to tell!  You are so full of excitement that you think you’ll explode if you keep this secret.  It might be easier if you don’t live near family or don’t see friends often.  But this time, so many friends guessed before we told.  It’s just not easy for me to completely hide this life-altering news.  

I want to empower you to follow your intuition, throw out the rules and share the excitement with those you love at ANYTIME you want!

Sending love and empowerment to all the mamas and mamas to be! 
-Rachelle